How the death of my mother caused my bipolar mania to explode part A

    Like so many other families, we have lost to many people to Cancer.  My sister at 36, my niece at 29. My Mother did her very best to take care of both of them. Now she was also fighting the battle against uterine cancer.  They found a five pound tumor.  People were shocked, she always looked so beautiful.  She was a tap dancer.  Everything she touched had to be perfection. She loved her friends and she had dozens of them.  The Surgeon gave us very little hope.  Three to six months.  She never asked and did not want to know how much time she had left.  She had places to be and many things to do.  I think of her as high voltage, always moving with a great zest for life.  Time was passing quickly and she was trying to cram everything in. Traveling, golfing, and even tap dancing which she loved to do with her friends in Arizona. She went through Chemo and her hair fell out.  She was so sick.  It was hard to watch my Mother, my best friend suffer so much.

  All of this is hard to handle even for the most stable of  minds.  I became her rock and took care of her every day for weeks.  As my mother got closer to the end, the stress became more and more and my mind started to race and reality began to slip away.

  The day my mother died.  It was March 4 2014, as I look at the clock it was ten minutes to ten I realized that I had to give her dilaudid in liquid form.  It was like feeding a baby bird.  She was in the front room the only place the hospice bed would fit.  She did not want to be in that room because my step father died in the same room three years before and was pronounced dead at 10:05 pm.  I was also there with my mother when he died.

  I was lucky to have my sister Karen who has been a nurse for many years.  She had left that morning to go take a shower.  I was getting ready to give my my mother her meds when I heard a gasp.  I went quickly to check on my mother.  That was her last breath.  I stood at the foot of the bed and then sat with my mother who was still warm.  I heard a knock at the door.  It was the hospice nurse.  She pronounced her death at 10:05 am.  The same time as my step father.  She was am he was pm.  I had been like a robot the whole time my mother was sick.  I did not have any feelings of sadness like one would expect.  I called my sister and she said she was on her way.

I was no longer able to keep my mania in tack and the Craziness began!

I began to hear my moms voice and bells ringing.  When she was sick and could not talk I gave her a bell and now it was ringing and haunting me.  The same night my mother died in my sleep I flashed pictures.  I am a sleep walker and I sometimes would even drive a car in this sleep state.  I no now it was caused by Ambien, which I no longer take.  When I looked at the pictures on the camera there were images of my mother in her bed just as she laid there when she died.  I showed the pictures to my father and he said that is your mother and he was confused.  I really think that some Bipolar people are able to tap in to the supernatural when they are in Mania.

Bipolar and my trip to the Casino with Mom. 

My mother and me always went to play the slots.  The same morning I took the pictures I heard my mother voice say lets go to the casino.  I said lets go mom and off I went with my departed mother.  Mom was still with me and I was happy to go with her.  I had $100 dollars and thought I can not lose with Mom here with me.  Well I lost 80 bucks real quick at the Greek town Casino.  I could not hear my Moms voice anymore so I went to get a coffee. 

At the coffee machine there was a lot of commotion going on.  A  homeless lady was getting asked to leave the casino I guess she wore out her welcome.  I stepped in and said she is with me and they said she can stay as long as she is playing.  She asked me for money for the bus and I gave her my last twenty.  She said thank you and headed for the exit.  Instead of leaving I seen her go right for the slot machine.  I kind of got mad and she said something that blew me away.  She said she was a street minister and she was going to pay other peoples bills if she won.  

This is not her but close to what she looked like.

I told her I would like to join her and she said her name was Gerry and there would be no hanky panky being that she was a minister.  I said I would never make a pass even though she was so beautiful.  She began to talk to people who were not there.  I asked who she was talking to and she said your mother.  I was stunned at first and then it made perfect sense.  I followed her as she looked for the perfect machine.  She said that the one, the Panda machine.  She put the twenty in the penny Panda machine.  I told her to just play 35 cents at a time and she told me that she only plays high voltage.  I said what is high voltage and she said it is the max.  I figured well were not going to be here for long.

Jack Pot!!!!  Free spins!!!

Normally this machine will hit for 8 free spins, accept the free spins hit for more free spins for a grand total of 108 free spins.  The free spins went for about twenty minutes when the spinning stopped and the light went on and signaled a big win.  Over $1,200, the casino guy countered her out twelve new hundred dollar bills.  Gerry offered me some of the money and I told her to keep it.  She then asked me for a ride to her boyfriend and reluctantly I said ok.  I drove her to where she said in the worst part of Detroit at a CVS store in the hood.  She said stop, there is my boyfriend and hopped out of the car he was also homeless.  I began to back up the car to leave.  She said you can not leave until we pray and I minister to you.  I told her that I am not a believer and she grabbed my hand and began to pray over me.  I thought to myself hurry up and pray so I can get out of here.  As she prayed I looked to my left and across the street was a church with a giant cross.  The prayer seemed to go on forever and I told Gerry I just can not believe like you do.  She said that is ok I will make sure you get in.  I said ok and she let me go.

I will pick up from here in my next blog, give me a comment if you want me to continue.