How the death of my mother caused my bipolar mania to explode part B.
A strange thing about mania is that I enjoy it at the time. You take risks, start projects, you think you have supernatural powers, at least I thought so. The death of my mother triggered all of this. Mania to me is a relief to the months of depression and the feeling of sadness, and the thoughts of suicide.
So, I will continue with my story. After leaving Gerry at the casino I went home. I was still hearing the voices of my departed mother. In a way it was comforting I felt she was with me. I also had everyone around me worried sick. My energy became so extreme I had no time to listen to anyone, I had all the answers to every thing.
After all, this was just one of many of the strange manic episodes that I have had. I have traveled from my home in Michigan with no plans and very little money. I ended up in Nebraska one time thinking I was in California. Ending up at a farm in the middle of no where. I really thought this farm belonged to me. Long story short, the police were called and I ended up in a straight jacket and was taken to the hospital. Strange thing is, I felt glad to be in a straight jacket it felt comforting.
Back to the Death of my mother. I began to barricade myself in the basement where I lived. I felt my mother was down there and I wanted to be with her. I could talk with her and she could talk with me. She was a decorator and we decided to decorate the basement. We painted the walls and I made a chandelier out of a wire tomato hanger.
I went back and forth to the Greek Town Casino with my mom of coarse. Losing money from my fathers credit card. I dressed different, I looked different, I wore jewelry and I was becoming a completely different person. My mothers house was up for sale. My brother who lives in California was the executor and my sister were in charged of the estate. I became a big pain in the ass, taking things and moving things in the house. Mom was always with me. I would place towels in the house in the sign of the cross, move things and prove to them that mom was with me.
My anger turned toward my brother who was out of state. In my mind he was stealing and I would not let him. He was planning to get married at the time and I made threats to ruin his wedding. I felt he had my computer bugged and had helicopters watching my every move. I emailed threats to him a nd told his bride to be how awful he was. I went to a Lawyer and decided I would sue him. The Lawyer knew I was not right and even said are you on medication.
My brother did not know what to do, so he called my counselor and tried to get me put in the hospital. When I went to my therapist she said I had to do a drug test, I passed and there was nothing they could do.
That night I went back to the casino spending more off my fathers credit card. I figured I could win and pay him back easily. Lost again, down about $2500. I had already lost all of my own money about $2000. I will just win it back, no problem. After I lost, I went in to a gas station in Detroit to get a protein bar. All of the sudden 3 young black dudes surrounded me and asked me if I was a police officer. Are you an officer they said? I said maybe. They ran around me nervously I guess they were deciding as to robbing me or not. One was outside guarding the door the other two were inside. The attendant rolled the bullet proof glass shut. Again they asked are you an officer, I said maybe! This is how it is going to end, shot and killed in a gas station, a common thing in Detroit.
My hands were shaking. I threw my wallet, car keys, and gold chain on the counter and put my hands in my jacket. They ran around, knocked a few items off the shelf, and left. After they left, the attendant opened the window and yelled at me. You should have told them you were a cop!!! I told him to F**** OFF.
After I left the station I became paranoid and figured they were following me, so I drove back to downtown Detroit trying for hours to find the police department. I frantically found the police station. I sat in the parking lot until a cop came over. I told him what happened and that I was bipolar and could not find my way home. My brain just could not figure out where I lived. He did nothing to really help me. Hey, in Detroit this is no big deal and you get no help. I sat behind the steel gates at the police department until I was calm enough to find my way home.
My mania went on for another couple of months. I woke up one day sleeping on an air mattress and instantly snapped out of mania. I now realized the havoc and the pain that I caused. I felt so ashamed!
I would have to write a book to explain the ups and down of my manic episodes. I will give you a list of other things that I went through.
1. Maxed my 36 credit cards
2. Threw money out the car window
3. Became an Angel
4. Trashed cars
5. Blew money at Casinos
4. Rented a bus and 3 cars which I did not drive
5. Went bankrupt 3 times
6. Ended up in hospitals in different states
7. Bought pounds of weed (not even a pot smoker)
I have felt tremendous shame from all of this and I am pretty stable right now. Even though I am 53 now, I have never had a relationship to speak of or held down a normal job. Some how I keep going and I do not know why. I am afraid to get close to someone, I keep a wall up. Walls keep you from getting hurt. They also make you a prisoner. I do not have any jealousy as far as material things. I give most things away. It is just all junk, I just want peace. I just want to live happy in my mind. If I can live happy in my mind, my location and my stuff does not matter.
My walls are built well. I have built them to last. They are made of 2" steel. I have built many. I am the only one who might be able to burn through, but I am not a welder. If they were made of wood I could just light a match and watch them burn. I am not sure how many walls are behind the first one, there could be hundreds.
For now I live inside my walls. Not sure if I will ever completely get out. Really not sure if I want to. I do get some visitors, my dog Ben can get in and out. He knows how, he is my best friend. He walks right through the steel. We play and talk and he leaves when he wants to. One day he may show me how he does it. I think animals are smarter than we think. I love animals and we can learn a lot from them. They know how to love and are a reflection of how we they are treated. They give us way more than we can ever give them. Just get a puppy, you will see what true love is.
http://www.free-range-humans.com/out-of-the-box/fpassions/
A strange thing about mania is that I enjoy it at the time. You take risks, start projects, you think you have supernatural powers, at least I thought so. The death of my mother triggered all of this. Mania to me is a relief to the months of depression and the feeling of sadness, and the thoughts of suicide.
So, I will continue with my story. After leaving Gerry at the casino I went home. I was still hearing the voices of my departed mother. In a way it was comforting I felt she was with me. I also had everyone around me worried sick. My energy became so extreme I had no time to listen to anyone, I had all the answers to every thing.
After all, this was just one of many of the strange manic episodes that I have had. I have traveled from my home in Michigan with no plans and very little money. I ended up in Nebraska one time thinking I was in California. Ending up at a farm in the middle of no where. I really thought this farm belonged to me. Long story short, the police were called and I ended up in a straight jacket and was taken to the hospital. Strange thing is, I felt glad to be in a straight jacket it felt comforting.
Back to the Death of my mother. I began to barricade myself in the basement where I lived. I felt my mother was down there and I wanted to be with her. I could talk with her and she could talk with me. She was a decorator and we decided to decorate the basement. We painted the walls and I made a chandelier out of a wire tomato hanger.
I went back and forth to the Greek Town Casino with my mom of coarse. Losing money from my fathers credit card. I dressed different, I looked different, I wore jewelry and I was becoming a completely different person. My mothers house was up for sale. My brother who lives in California was the executor and my sister were in charged of the estate. I became a big pain in the ass, taking things and moving things in the house. Mom was always with me. I would place towels in the house in the sign of the cross, move things and prove to them that mom was with me.
My anger turned toward my brother who was out of state. In my mind he was stealing and I would not let him. He was planning to get married at the time and I made threats to ruin his wedding. I felt he had my computer bugged and had helicopters watching my every move. I emailed threats to him a nd told his bride to be how awful he was. I went to a Lawyer and decided I would sue him. The Lawyer knew I was not right and even said are you on medication.
My brother did not know what to do, so he called my counselor and tried to get me put in the hospital. When I went to my therapist she said I had to do a drug test, I passed and there was nothing they could do.
That night I went back to the casino spending more off my fathers credit card. I figured I could win and pay him back easily. Lost again, down about $2500. I had already lost all of my own money about $2000. I will just win it back, no problem. After I lost, I went in to a gas station in Detroit to get a protein bar. All of the sudden 3 young black dudes surrounded me and asked me if I was a police officer. Are you an officer they said? I said maybe. They ran around me nervously I guess they were deciding as to robbing me or not. One was outside guarding the door the other two were inside. The attendant rolled the bullet proof glass shut. Again they asked are you an officer, I said maybe! This is how it is going to end, shot and killed in a gas station, a common thing in Detroit.
My hands were shaking. I threw my wallet, car keys, and gold chain on the counter and put my hands in my jacket. They ran around, knocked a few items off the shelf, and left. After they left, the attendant opened the window and yelled at me. You should have told them you were a cop!!! I told him to F**** OFF.
After I left the station I became paranoid and figured they were following me, so I drove back to downtown Detroit trying for hours to find the police department. I frantically found the police station. I sat in the parking lot until a cop came over. I told him what happened and that I was bipolar and could not find my way home. My brain just could not figure out where I lived. He did nothing to really help me. Hey, in Detroit this is no big deal and you get no help. I sat behind the steel gates at the police department until I was calm enough to find my way home.
My mania went on for another couple of months. I woke up one day sleeping on an air mattress and instantly snapped out of mania. I now realized the havoc and the pain that I caused. I felt so ashamed!
I would have to write a book to explain the ups and down of my manic episodes. I will give you a list of other things that I went through.
1. Maxed my 36 credit cards
2. Threw money out the car window
3. Became an Angel
4. Trashed cars
5. Blew money at Casinos
4. Rented a bus and 3 cars which I did not drive
5. Went bankrupt 3 times
6. Ended up in hospitals in different states
7. Bought pounds of weed (not even a pot smoker)
I have felt tremendous shame from all of this and I am pretty stable right now. Even though I am 53 now, I have never had a relationship to speak of or held down a normal job. Some how I keep going and I do not know why. I am afraid to get close to someone, I keep a wall up. Walls keep you from getting hurt. They also make you a prisoner. I do not have any jealousy as far as material things. I give most things away. It is just all junk, I just want peace. I just want to live happy in my mind. If I can live happy in my mind, my location and my stuff does not matter.
My walls are built well. I have built them to last. They are made of 2" steel. I have built many. I am the only one who might be able to burn through, but I am not a welder. If they were made of wood I could just light a match and watch them burn. I am not sure how many walls are behind the first one, there could be hundreds.
For now I live inside my walls. Not sure if I will ever completely get out. Really not sure if I want to. I do get some visitors, my dog Ben can get in and out. He knows how, he is my best friend. He walks right through the steel. We play and talk and he leaves when he wants to. One day he may show me how he does it. I think animals are smarter than we think. I love animals and we can learn a lot from them. They know how to love and are a reflection of how we they are treated. They give us way more than we can ever give them. Just get a puppy, you will see what true love is.
http://www.free-range-humans.com/out-of-the-box/fpassions/
